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What's New?
How to Talk to Someone about a Difficult Topic
By Edel Jarboe
Do you need to talk to a friend, a co-worker, or your spouse about a difficult
subject? Is it causing you a lot of stress and anxiety? You are not alone.
Everyone dreads conversations where the emotional and psychological stakes
are high. But it is possible to have an honest, productive, and less stressful
heart to heart.
Stacy: "You are so stuck up! You are always putting me down in front
of everyone. Did you have to tell Jake and Luann that I cut my own hair?
You know money is a little tight for me right now."
Annabelle: "Your hair looks terrible. Maybe that's why you haven't
had a date in 6 months."
Stacy: " I don't think it's any of your business."
Annabelle: "Fine. I'm leaving now. Are you coming?"
Stacy: "No, I think I need to trim my bangs!"
Communicate the Facts
Avoid getting bogged down in too many details, instead focus on the substance
of what happened. Establish a fact pattern of who did what and how you got
to where you are now. How would a neutral, third-party describe the situation?
How Do You Feel About the Situation?
Our feelings often get mixed up in our judgments of another person's behavior.
Negatively describing a person's actions immediately puts them on the defensive
and they are more likely to stop listening and counter with a verbal attack
of their own. This is a definite no-no when it comes to difficult conversations.
It is much more effective to focus on how their actions made you feel instead
of labeling their actions. In other words, replace the phrase, "You are
so…..." with the phrase ,"When you do X, it makes me feel..."
Why Do You Feel This Way?
Perhaps you feel vulnerable or defensive because some aspect of your self-image
might be under attack. Identify which aspect of your self-image feels threatened.
Is it your ability to make money? Your ability to sustain a healthy love
relationship? Do you see yourself as a nice person who hates to put your
foot down? Is it a trust issue? Figuring out where the pain or distress is
coming from helps you to be more objective. And by being able to view the
situation in a calmer and more rational manner, you are able to act on the
situation instead of just reacting to it.
What is the Purpose of the Conversation?
What do you want this conversation to accomplish? Do you want an apology?
Do you need closure? Or are you trying to solve a problem? Deciding which
outcome you are seeking will help you stay focused. We all know how easy
it is to get sidetracked in a conversation, and this tendency is even more
likely to occur when we are discussing emotion-laden matters.
Seek to Understand
Think about the situation from the other person's point of view. Again, this
will help you to be more objective. Get their feedback. Ask, "How do you
see the situation?" Treating the conversation as a mission for understanding
can also help start the conversation and will go a long way towards making
it a two-way one.
Stacy: "Do you realize that I feel hurt and embarrassed when you draw
attention to my money problems?"
Annabelle: "I didn't think it was that big of a deal to you. You're
always telling me that things are tight."
Stacy: "But I don't want the whole world to know. I only told you
because I trusted you."
Annabelle: "I'm sorry. I won't do it in the future. Let me make it
up to you. How about I treat you to a movie?"
Stacy: "Apology accepted. Just let me get my jacket."
The Last Word
Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps it hasn't even occurred
to them that their behavior is causing you pain or distress. And, once you
begin to talk, don't monopolize the conversation. You won't accomplish anything
by making the other person feel as if they are being taken to task. Finally,
if a difficult conversation doesn't go as well as you'd hoped, don't dwell
on it. How you handle a conflict is more important than the conflict itself.
This is called character.
Edel Jarboe is the founder of
Self Help for Her.com, an online
self-help magazine helping you create a better life. She also publishes a
free weekly newsletter, which features advice on goal setting, stress management,
coping with difficult people, and overcoming obstacles:
Subscribe here and receive
a FREE stress report.
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