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Romance & Relationships
Three Key Relationship Danger Signs
By Edel Jarboe
When you enter a committed relationship, there is a period of adjustment
that can take months or even years. While you are getting into your couple
groove, be careful that you don't fall into any of these following relationship
pitfalls that can lead to the dissolution of your love partnership. Watch
out for these danger signs in your relationship while staying focused on
building and nurturing a healthy long-term relationship based on positive
communication and of course, love.
1. Unrealistic Expectations
Expecting to change another person or to "fix' their flaws after committing
to a long-term relationship is a big no-no. For one thing, who says they
need fixing besides you? Aren't you supposed to love your honey flaws and
all? Now, for truly reprehensible flaws - such as belching in public - go
ahead and give lessons in etiquette. But for more subtle personality traits,
ask yourself if it's worth making a big issue out of it. We all do something
that drives our loved ones nuts. So learn to be flexible. Love is about
compromise and should never be about making another person into someone else.
Moreover, expecting to change someone else's problem (drug or alcohol abuse,
domestic violence, or criminal behavior) doesn't work either. It is one thing
to be supportive if your partner is truly making an effort to change, but
it is quite another to be their willing accomplice. Bottom line: you cannot
change someone else. In a healthy relationship the best you can do is compromise,
and in a bad relationship, it is better to walk away in order to preserve
your dignity, health, and self-respect.
Another example of unrealistic relationship expectations is thinking that
the other person is the solution to all your problems. Sure, love makes the
world go round but expecting your sweetie to fix all that is wrong in your
life is unfair to them. And living through them or solely for them is not
fair to you either. You are still responsible for your life and your self-esteem.
Sure, love can help smooth out the rest of your life, but by no means is
it a cure-all. There is no getting around it -- you are responsible for your
own happiness. Love is simply the icing on the cake.
2. Lack Of Open and Honest Communication
Depending on how busy and stressed out we are, we are all guilty of tuning
each other out from time to time. The danger is when this becomes a relationship
habit. Not listening to each other's hopes, dreams, and fears on a regular
basis can lead to a lack of true intimacy. It is impossible to feel connected
to someone when you feel aren't there for you.
The hallmark of this pitfall is when one partner is unwilling to discuss
certain issues and they either avoid the discussion altogether or withdraw
verbally or physically. This leaves the other partner to tiptoe around them
because they are afraid of risking anger, withdrawal, or avoidance. When
the discussion is curtailed indefinitely so is the relationship. In order
for a relationship to grow, you have to be able to talk about the good, the
bad, the ugly, and even the painful truth. In other words, make honesty,
expressing your feelings, and sharing ideas a priority because sharing the
good times and the bad times deepens and strengthens your relationship. And
you want this to happen, right?
3. Lack of Respect
Take the woman who gives her husband the silent treatment and withholds her
affection until he gives into her demands -- whether it is canceling a trip,
buying a new car, or having a baby. This is definitely not the way to go
if you want both your sweetie's cooperation and their lasting affection on
a long-term basis. When you control your partner by constantly harassing
them, withholding your love, and issuing ultimatums you are demonstrating
that your needs and desires come before your love for them. Who's going to
stick around for this type of treatment? In short, avoid controlling behavior
in a relationship. Just because you have pledged your love for someone does
not give you the right to run his or her life. Even though the person pulling
the strings may think they're winning, ultimately, it is the relationship
that loses out.
In the same vein, when one partner puts the other person down or constantly
second-guesses them, whether it is intentional or not, they are chipping
away at their partner's self-esteem. When you invalidate your partner, you
are effectively telling them that they don't matter. As a result, the victim
of this type of behavior will start to cover up who they are and what they
think in order to protect his or her self-esteem. Sadly, this is another
example of a one-sided relationship where one partner holds all the emotional
cards. And this is a sure-fire recipe for relationship disaster.
After being with someone for a while, we know what buttons to push to make
the other person feel bad about themselves. Yes, you have this power but
if you want a healthy, loving, and lasting relationship, you will keep the
door to this arsenal securely locked. Always ask yourself how you would feel
if someone spoke to you the way you are speaking to your significant other.
Hold back on insults, put-downs, as well as non-verbal body language that
convey disgust, mockery, or disbelief such as rolling your eyes. In other
words, avoid (non)verbally striking your mate. Instead, focus on building
each other's self-esteem, not destroying it. And when you do this, you build
a healthier, happier relationship.
Note: If you recognize any of these danger signs in your
relationship, please seek couples counseling.
Edel Jarboe is the founder of
Self Help for Her.com, an online
self-help magazine helping you create a better life. She also publishes a
free weekly newsletter, which features advice on goal setting, stress management,
coping with difficult people, and overcoming obstacles:
Subscribe here and receive
a FREE stress report.
MORE RELATIONSHIP
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