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Romance & Relationships
Kissing Connectivity: Keeping Your Relationship
Hot
By Edel Jarboe
A kiss can mean so much, or nothing
at all. Remember when you were five years old and you thought kissing was
yucky? It wasn't until adolescence that the meaning of a kiss was slowly
revealed to us. Between giggles we confessed our first kisses, our secret
initiation into the "adult" world. No one talks about kisses anymore. Oh,
we read about them in romance novels or see them on the big screen, but no
one discusses them in hushed whispers between blushes and giggles. We are
adults. Kissing is commonplace for us now. Most of us kiss our partners without
thinking at least once a day. But shouldn't a kiss always be special?
What Is a Kiss?
A kiss is more than the sharing of lips and breath. It is a mingling of hearts
and souls. A slight tingle, a funny feeling in the tummy, a racing heart,
is to be expected. A kiss is an intimate connection to another human being
and a simple way to express love and affection. It is also a way for us to
confirm that our partner is "the one" and traditionally, the marriage vow
is sealed with a kiss as well. What better way to seal the promise of love?
The First Kiss
The anticipated first kiss is one that we both long for and dream about.
And, whether remembered as sweet and tender, shy and hesitant, or as bumped
heads and noses, we don't forget it. A kiss is a thing of wonder. We wonder
if and when the object of our affections will bestow us with a kiss. We wonder
if our knees will get weak, our pulse will race, or if it will be a dud.
So much depends on a kiss.
We analyze every detail of our interaction with the opposite sex with the
precision of a scientist. He smiled at you when you walked by. Does he like
you? You went to see a movie with subtitles and he seemed to like it. Does
he really like foreign movies or is he only trying to please you? Will he
call you again? You go out on your second date. And then, somehow, you kiss.
Your heart soars. He likes you! Could this be love?
According to Leslie Parrott, Ed.D, co-director of the Center for Relationship
Development (http://www.realrelationships.com) at Seattle Pacific University
and author of "Relationships: Making Bad Relationships Better and Good
Relationships Great", women do read more into kissing than men. "It can make
them feel attractive, cared for, and even boost their self-esteem. Women
unconsciously use kissing as a barometer for how much they're respected,
valued, and loved," says Dr. Parrott.
The Passionate Kiss
You can't wait to feel and touch each other. Your mouths and hands are busy,
your hearts are pounding, and you can literally see sparks fly. Passion is
a wonderful thing. It makes us feel more alive, more connected to our partner.
But, realistically, one cannot expect passion in every kiss. Kisses can range
from slow, sweet ones to urgent, fiery ones. Moreover, it us unrealistic
to expect passion every single day of our lives.
How many times in books, the movies, and in real life has it been proven
that a relationship built on passion alone cannot survive? Without a deep,
emotional connection between two people, a lasting love cannot thrive. And
by lasting love, I mean one that can withstand the ups and downs of every
day life. Factors like compatibility, similar values and goals, mutual respect,
trust, and friendship should be weighed alongside physical attraction. A
passion that feeds on itself will eventually burn out.
Are you and your partner in a romantic rut? Have your kisses with your partner
lost their zing lately? Don't throw in the towel just yet. As your relationship
continues to grow, continue to grow the passion. If you and your partner
concentrate on feeling an emotional connection with each other, you will
make a passionate connection as well. "For couples who have been [together]
for some time, kissing isn't as exciting as it was when you first started
dating," says Dr. Leslie Parrott. "But you need to continue to make kissing
a priority," she continues. "Passionate kissing is great but one of the goals
of kissing is to stay connected."
The Perfunctory Kiss
"Bye, Honey. Have a nice day," we say with a quick peck on the lips as we
leave in the morning to start our workday. It's part of the routine. Just
one more thing to do on our way out the door. Often, once the days of courtship
are over, couples tend to fall into a routine, which is anything but romantic.
A kiss can communicate so much. Love, tenderness, passion, and devotion,
to name just a few. It can also serves as a barometer of a relationship.
"Because kissing is a part of the daily interaction a couple shares. It can
send spontaneous and frequent signs of affection and love," Dr. Parrott states.
In the early stages, we kiss our partners a lot because we need the reassurance
that a kiss can bring. Once we are settled into a relationship, we need less
reassurance because we feel more secure in our partner's love. But, as time
goes on, there is the danger that a couple will stop expressing their love
with kisses. The kisses start to taper off. You only kiss hello or good bye
or while making love. The love that is between you, while cherished, is not
something that you think about anymore. It is just there. Sometimes spoken,
sometimes not.
No one likes to be taken for granted, especially not your partner, and your
love shouldn't be either. A kiss is such a simple way to keep the love you
and your partner share alive. Notice that I said share. Both you and your
partner owe it to each other to work at keeping the love and passion alive.
Yes, love requires work too. Anything worth doing or worth having does. However,
Dr. Parrott also advises "while it's great when you and your partner are
on the same passion scale, there will be times when one partner will go through
a quieter time sexually. Don't take it personally or withdraw. Stay connected
by talking and touching and giving them space."
Kissing 101
1. Remember how special you and your partner are together.
2. Be creative. Kiss your partner's forehead, eyelids, cheeks, nose and chin,
before kissing your partner on the mouth.
3. If you don't like your partner's kissing style, tell them gently how you
would like to be kissed. Better yet, show them.
4. Gently caress your partner's hands, neck, or back as you kiss. Make it
more than a mere meeting of the lips.
5. If you don't have time for a "real kiss", make a verbal promise of "Later."
You and your partner will have something to look forward to and you will
have put the magic of anticipation back into your relationship.
Other Daily Steps to Intimacy:
1. Really listen to each other.
2. Be there for each other.
3. Touch each other.
4. Go out on a "date" at least once a month. Maybe even re-create your first
date.
5. Have a candlelight dinner.
6. Plan a special day together for just the two of you.
Some additional passion tips provided by Dr. Leslie Parrott are:
1. Have a "How's your love life?" conversation. Ask your partner to rate
their level of passion and intimacy on a scale of 1 to 10. The very act of
having the conversation increases the level of satisfaction for both of you.
2. Write a love letter to your mate. Make it a little unpredictable. Throw
your partner off guard by saying things you don't normally say.
3. Agree to take turns initiating affection so it doesn't always fall to
the same partner.
4. Every once in a while, schedule passion on your calendar in advance. Focus
on your "appointment" in the hours preceding so your passion and excitement
has time to really build.
Edel Jarboe is the founder of
Self Help for Her.com, an online
self-help magazine helping you create a better life. She also publishes a
free weekly newsletter, which features advice on goal setting, stress management,
coping with difficult people, and overcoming obstacles:
Subscribe here and receive
a FREE stress report.
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