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Parenting
The Transition to Motherhood - a Reality Check
By Elyse Killoran
The following experiences are almost universal
- yet they catch many of us off guard. If you have been judging yourself
as a success or a failure at this mommy stuff based on what you had imagined
motherhood would be like, read on...
-
As a new mother, you are likely to be exhausted
and under stress, and to experience emotional highs and lows.
The postpartum experience is one of peaks and valleys. As in any transition,
there will be losses as well as gains. At times you may question your ability
to mother well. Your relationships with friends and significant others will
likely change. You may feel very isolated and you may miss some aspects of
life before baby's arrival. New mothers typically report experiencing the
full range of emotions--from elation to joy, to pride and a sense of spiritual
expansion, to jealousy, anger, guilt, and frustration. A sense of ambivalence
during the first months of your baby's life is not a sign that you are a
poor or uncaring mother. On the contrary, it is a sign that you are deeply
aware of the significance of this experience and that you are allowing your
love for this child to change and deepen your sense of who you really are.
-
Your expectations of motherhood may not match your
reality.
The images that you might have had of motherhood, garnered from the media,
had you believing that nearly every minute spent with your new bundle of
joy would be peaceful, joyful, and fulfilling. Yet caring for a child is
difficult, emotionally demanding, and frequently boring work. It is likely
to come as a shock when you find that you were ill prepared for just how
demanding your infant could be. You might find yourself feeling frustrated
by the repetitive nature of the tasks (for as soon as you have diapered,
clothed, and fed your baby, it is time to repeat the cycle). You might miss
the social interaction that you enjoyed at the office or the intellectual
stimulation of your job. No matter how much you love your child, it is perfectly
normal to admit you are not necessarily enamored of the role of full-time
at-home mom.
-
You may find may find yourself so enthralled with
your little one that your love affair with the baby begins to eclipse your
love affair with your husband.
Many new mothers find that their needs to be touched and adored have been
satisfied by the interaction that they have with their babies. Yet their
husbands long for the intimacy they once enjoyed with their wives. It may
seem as if finding time for adult conversation or romantic nights alone requires
too much effort and energy, but unless a couple puts forth a concerted effort
to keep the romance alive, the arrival of a baby can mark the end of passion
and the beginning of something more akin to a "sibling/best-friend" relationship.
Keep in mind that one of the greatest gifts you can give to your children
is the model of a successful marriage--one in which both partners listen,
respond to, and support one another. Although it might seem difficult to
imagine now, it is really in your child's best interest for you to set aside
time without your child so that you can continue to nurture your marriage.
-
You may have to work to stay connected to other
aspects of your "personhood."
It is so easy for a new mother to get swept away by this new role and to
lose herself somewhat in the process. Therefore, it is essential that you
make it a point to carve out some time for the activities that meant a lot
to you prior to motherhood. By reserving a bit of time for enjoyable and
rejuvenating activities, you will find it easier to share yourself with your
child during the rest of the week. One suggestion is to reserve one evening
a week where one of the parents can have time for him or herself. The other
spouse is then responsible for all child and home care for a set amount of
time, which provides each parent both with quality time with the child as
well as some very vital personal time.
-
The best gift you can give to everyone around you
(especially your children and your spouse) is the gift of caring for
yourself.
Not only is your own self-care a gift to yourself--it is an absolute necessity
for the health and well-being of your loved ones. While most new mothers
will stop at nothing to ensure that their children's needs are met, these
same women behave as if they can deny they own needs indefinitely. The reality
of motherhood is that you can only share as much love and nurturing as you
yourself are receiving. It is essential that all mothers ask for help and
support on a regular basis in order to replenish themselves and to build
up their reserves of energy and love. Once your needs are met you'll have
so much more to share with your family.
Elyse Killoran is a Personal Success Coach and the founder
of a unique service for new mothers known as *Mother-Care*. *Mother-Care*
has as its mission: to ease new and expectant mothers through the transition
to parenthood. Towards this end, the *Mother-Care* program makes use of advanced
technology (teleconferencing capabilities) to offer guidance, support and
a sense of community to pregnant and postpartum moms. These teleconferencing
programs (referred to as *teleclasses*) are conveniently accessible, nationwide,
through the participant's home telephone. For more information on the
*Mother-Care* program, please visit the
*Mother-Care* web
site at
http://www.coachcentral.com/elysekilloran
or phone Elyse Killoran at (516) 851-1192. Ms. Killoran is a member of the
International Coaching Federation.
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